Big Survivor
by Vincent Loneheart
Summary: What would have happened our hero's paths hadn't been destined to cross......?


Big Brother Rip-off!!!!  
  
Big Survivor-  
  
The folks at Balamb Town have a myth, about a TV show. They say it charts the fall of an empire. Here it is...........  
Once upon a time, some television executives down at the Dollet Communications Limited had an ingenious plan....  
"We need a show to save our ratings."  
"How about a rerun of Married:With SeeDs?"  
"Nah, we've shown all 7 seasons to death. What we need is a voyeuristic show where it's no holds barred!"  
"Are you serious man!?"  
"Yup. We'll call it Big Survivor......"  
And that's how it started. The production team designed a house with watertight security, which was good, seeing as they were building it in FH. No one could exit or enter without there say so. The whole plan relied on selecting 9 strangers, who would embark on a war of attrition until just two remained and then it would be decided by a chocobo race to win 100,000 gil. It sounded good in theory huh?  
The applicants selected were as follows:  
Squall Leonhart: A farmer in Winhill.  
Rinoa Heartilly: A young heiress.  
Seifer Almasy: A stock broker.  
Zell Dincht: A Balamb mechanic.  
Selphie Tilmitt: An exotic dancer.  
Irvine Kinneas: A small time model.  
Quistis Trepe: An artist.  
Fujin Asher: A nun.  
Raijin Kasim: A chef.  
These 9 souls were placed in the house and not allowed to have any communication at all with the outside world. Each week they nominated one person to leave the house. The show began on Friday the 14th of Gladladladvember and over 2 million viewers tuned in........mainly from Esthar. The show was commentated on by Laguna Loire and there were nightly updates. The show could be seen live on the Internet, which attracted a huge number of frustrated B-Garden students.   
Laguna introduces the nightly updates........  
"Nine house mates......  
....some crap camera angles......  
....a lot of ill-disguised microphones.....  
....one winner.....  
....this, is Big Survivor!"  
Day 1- The house mates enter the house. They have decided which beds they will all have. Irvine Kinneas was reluctant to sleep in with the guys, citing that the girls would be lonely. The house mates all gather round in the living room to get to know each other. Squall seems to be a bit on the quiet side, but Selphie's annoying laugh made up for it. Seifer Almasy confessed to having a wife who tragically died in a car accident last year, they all consoled him.   
Day 2- The house mates all have trouble sleeping. Raijin is the first one to wake. He searches for food to cook breakfast for them all. Upon venturing into the garden, he finds that 8 chicobos are in their hutch. Raijin, despite being a chef doesn't like chicobos, thus being a pastry chef. After breakfast they all have to decide on chores. Irvine loses popularity by saying the kitchen was a place for the woman. Fujin abruptly kicks him in the chins. Later, the house mates discuss their sexual preferences, this boosts ratings. It surfaces that Fujin is no longer a nun. This is because she is a lesbian who fancied the other penguins.   
Day 3- The group were set a task by Big Survivor. The mission was to cycle twice the length of France. They gamble 50% of their weekly food budget on the task. The only one not pulling his weight is Zell. Today saw both Squall and Quistis shave each others hair off in a daring stunt. No-one appears to like the new look.   
Day 4- The cycling task is well under way. Zell is quickly getting a rep for being a 'Lazy Bastard', due to his lie-ins. Rinoa is obviously flirting with Irvine, which nobody seems to notice. Seifer is making sure of his popularity by doing double shifts on the bike. Raijin is combating his phobia of chicobos, he has named one of them Marjory. He has taken a shine to Marjory, feeding her the groups Chicken Ticka meal. All are furious.  
Day 5- Today the task has to be completed. Zell gets on the bike for the last 10 miles, claiming to have done all the work himself. No-one cares for now. The food budget for next week is now 150 gil. Quistis enrages everyone by cutting up all their magazines and making pictures out of them to go on the wall. She gives Big Survivor an idea for a small task.   
Day 6- The group are given pastels and crayons to draw pictures of each other. They all sit around and have fun until Fujin doesn't get Irvine's features right, and he goes off in a huff. Raijin gets pecked on the arm by Marjory, but he doesn't neck it.   
Day 7- The people at DCL are worried about ratings, so the group are asked to once again discuss sexual preferences. After too many cans of cheap booze, Selphie admits to enjoying spanking sessions. Squall still remains silent, while Seifer comes out saying that just wants a woman he can be with and that sex isn't an issue. All are pleased with him. Fujin however says that they all have not experienced true sexual pleasure due to the fact that they are heterosexual morons.   
Day 8- Today is the first day of eviction. Seifer is busy talking to everyone about how Irvine is a model only out for the money. Most state their displease at this, and inevitably Irvine is ejected from the Big Survivor house. No-one votes for Seifer at all. The house mates are despondent after seeing their first leave. DCL cheer them up by sending them goodies.  
Day 9- Relationships are strained in the house as they come to terms with Irvine's departure. Rinoa is upset and Squall comforts her. Selphie makes up an annoying song to cheer them up. 'It's Only A Gay Show' shot into number one in the charts after DCL released it as a single the same day.   
Day 10- The house mates are set a second task. They decide to gamble 40% of their shopping budget on completing a model of Edea's Orphanage made entirely out of hot dogs. The analyst in the studio shows the viewers repeated footage of Selphie sunbathing in the nude. They say that it shows certain character developments in Selphie, and had nothing to do with the fact that it would boost ratings. It does.   
Day 11- The task is going steady, and it looks like being completed on time. Not a very exciting day.  
Day 12- The stone house is nearly erected as the seconds tick on. The Orphanage is one hot dog away from completion when Zell loses his willpower and devours half the hot dogs in a very obscene manner. The house mates rally to recover their task but it's too late. Big Survivor announces their failure. Rinoa cries. Squall is once again there to be the shoulder to cry on.  
Day 13- Knowing that the weeks are ticking by, the house mates are upset to have to select another house mate for eviction. A mass discussion on how hard it was prompts Big Survivor to intervene telling them all that discussing nominations is against the rules. Seifer and Zell continue unawares of the rest. Seifer offers Zell a place to stay at the end of it all if he wishes for a vacation. Zell is warm to idea, as he had thought about travelling for some time.  
Day 14- Everyone is angry at Zell. Not only did he cost them their food budget, but he has now eaten all the eggs from the Chicobo hutch. Raijin is upset as he disturbed Marjory's sleep pattern. Zell tries to find Seifer for support, but he is nowhere to be found.  
Day 15- Nomination day. The group all have a lie-in after the night's activities, a Jenga tournament. Seifer is worried that simple Zell may be evicted, so he tells everyone individually that he thinks that Selphie may be prostitute. Most come around to his way of thinking, and Selphie is the one to be evicted. She is given till the next day to exit the house. No-one voted for Seifer. In the studio, Irvine is livid that he didn't get the extra day to pull Rinoa. Big Survivor consider letting him back in for the day, but dismiss the idea.  
Day 16- Quistis and Raijin have a heated argument over the droning noise she made while he was sleeping. Quistis says she can sing if she wants and begins to cry. Selphie is there to comfort her. Quistis says she wants to quit, but Selphie talks her out of it. Just as Selphie has to leave, Raijin and Quistis make up. The analyst shows repeated footage of Raijin touching up Quistis. This raises ratings to high levels.  
Day 17- The group are upset that Selphie is gone. Seifer consoles them all one by one. He is now the most popular one in the house. It is Quistis' birthday tomorrow, so Big Survivor supplies them with goodies to have a party. Quistis confesses to Big Survivor and the world that she is in love with Raijin. She explains that after the fight he had been so supportive and she had fallen for him. Seifer overhears her telling Fujin and sets to take out Raijin.  
Day 18- Marjory is dead. Raijin is inconsolable and makes them all a nice meal while crying profusely over a hot deep fryer. It is also Quistis' birthday, and after a nice dinner, they all go into the garden to celebrate. Quistis tells them that she misses her family and friends and most of all Selphie. Big Survivor delays in naming their next task for one simple reason......  
Day 19- The group awaken to find a large obstacle course in the garden. They are all excited at the thought of having something to do at last. Fujin has doubts about her own upper body strength, while Quistis asks Raijin to help train. Zell also seems to be excited at the prospect. They all gamble 50% of the budget on the task. Squall and Rinoa are last seen giving each other full body massages. The analyst shows footage of Squall becoming the first man to ever get aroused on live television. The viewing figures soar.  
Day 20- The groups training is well under way. Seifer takes charge claiming to have spent 3 years in garden. Squall and Rinoa look on as Seifer bungles his way across the monkey bars. The two have their doubts about Seifer. Fujin and Raijin discuss homosexuality. The conversation switches then to how nice a guy Seifer is and how the two think the world of him.  
Day 21- The task has to be completed today. They all ready for the relay as Quistis starts them off. They all have no problems until Seifer has his turn. Trying to get a good start on the monkey bars he slips and twists his ankle. Hopping around, he falls off the balance beam twice. The group are lucky to still qualify. Squall confronts Seifer, who tells him how Zell is a traitor and is trying to get rid of them all and win. Squall talks this over with Zell, who goes berserk. Squall manages to calm him down as the two look for proof of a conspiracy. Raijin is shocked at all this and searches his bag. He is outraged to find documents containing his evil plot to take over Big Survivor. They also find a glove with Chicobo blood on it. Raijin cries. The boys decide to wait till tomorrow.  
Day 22- Eviction day comes again in the Big Survivor house. DCL are worried that a fight'll break out and cut the Internet connection. The morning papers are full of stories that Seifer is the most evil man in the world. Seifer is confronted by his house mates where he at first denies it all, and then breaks down. He admits that he lied about his wife and about being in Garden. Zell leads the pack of dogs as Seifer is accused of cheating and Quistis snaps. She attacks him. Raijin is upset about Marjory. Fujin, though being a lesbian, is strangely attracted to Seifer. When the nominations came about, they decided to cut Quistis and take their chances with Seifer. Seifer is later ejected by Big Survivor. The two leave through separate exits, but no-one really cares.  
Day 23- Rinoa is depressed, and looks to Squall for support. The two kiss on world television and the videos go on sale immediately. DCL's ratings go through the roof. It comes to light that Seifer is in hiding, but has the chance to make over a million gil is sponsorship deals and TV appearances. In an interview, Seifer rejects claims that DCL planted him. Fujin gets out her guitar and settles the mood. Raijin is in continued mourning over Marjory. Zell is worried about the other chicobos. Some have been being sick on him while sunbathing. Big Survivor calls in a vet who takes two away for examination.   
Day 24- Big Survivor set the house mates another task. They must write and perform another song. Fujin and Raijin are keen, but Zell misses the obstacle course. Rinoa and Squall just can't keep their hands off of each other, and the massages are becoming more and more obscene. They gamble 30% of their budget on the task.  
Day 25- Fujin gets cramp in her hand. Raijin takes over the guitar work and Fujin writes the lyrics. Both agree that it isn't working and swap back. Fujin plays through the pain. Zell sits around contemplating Seifer's omission from the show. He is more disturbed by the fact that this is day 25 and he hasn't been able to be with a woman yet. Not much chance of that anymore, as Rinoa's taken and Fujin's a lesbian.  
Day 26- The song is completed. "Better The Devil Ya Know Ya Know" went into the charts at number 2, not being able to displace "It's Only A Gay Show". The group get bonus drinks and goodies for their efforts.   
Day 27- Disaster strikes as Zell and Raijin get into a fight. Zell was upset about not eating Balamb Fish dish. Raijin offered to make some, but Zell refused, as only his ma makes good fish. Raijin tried anyway and stank out the joint.   
Day 28- The chicobos were returned. As the house mates were confined to the bedrooms, the DCL crew slipped in a hot tub to promote the sexual tension and boost ratings. He house mates forgot about everything else and started to skinny dip. Unfortunately, Squall and Rinoa were careless with the water and nearly drowned. That came about due to Zell having a water fight with Raijin. Fujin has now, after 4 weeks, got a decent tan, and is no longer an albino.   
Day 29- It's eviction day again, and the house mates are divided by Zell and Raijin. Fujin is the one with the casting vote, and Zell is eliminated. As he leaves, a massive row erupts as Squall and Rinoa discover that they voted for different people. Zell quickly rushes to Rinoa's aid. There is a fight between Raijin and Squall, but they forget what over and by the time they come to, Zell and Rinoa have ran.  
Day 30- With Rinoa gone, Squall is lonely. The only female remaining is Fujin. Raijin and Squall compete for her attention, but being a lesbian, she ignores them both. The hot tub is the scene of a gay kiss, which makes the ratings plummet.  
Day 31- For this weeks group task, Fujin must have sex with either Squall or Raijin. This upsets her greatly, but she has little choice. She drowns herself in the hot tub.  
Day 32- Raijin and Squall are now the only members of the house remaining. DCL are upset that this has become depressing television, with now only half a million viewers. They have run out of ideas. They make the decision to use the self-destruct button. The house collapses, killing them both. The DCL executives pocket the cash and run. Laguna is now out of a job, and yet he keeps talking........  
Selphie Tilmitt went on the become a world famous dancer. She has also now released 3 top selling albums. Irvine Kinneas became a monk at Shumi Village, where he lives to this day. Zell and Rinoa got married, but her father General Caraway split them up, claiming she was too good for a mechanic. She has now become a terrorist. He however decided to stop wasting his life and signed up at Garden, so he could make a difference.  
Seifer........well.....Seifer became a world renowned writer, TV star, comedian and film director. He is now a multi-gillionaire who lives with his girlfriend Ellone in Deling City. He is best known for writing a sequel to Sun Tzu's "The Art Of War", called "Seifer's Big Book Of War". He starred alongside many stars in blockbuster hit "The Talented Mr. Almasy" and had his prime time TV slot with "The Sorceresses Knight" which is the TV show based on the film from yonder years. He can be seen at the Trabia Comedy Club on Saturday Nights along with other talent. And that my friends, is the story about how Seifer became famous.   
  
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Er...what? Oh right, the disclaimer. Well, Big Brother and Survivor are trademarks are their respective companies. All the Final Fantasy references, if any, are belonging to Squaresoft. DCL is a division of the Fox Network......j/k! 


End file.
